From Twin Atlantic:

Florida Vampires. 

Here’s what I know about Orlando from the 4 times I have been here now in my lifetime - twice on holiday to be abused by roller coasters and twice with the band to be a puppet on a stage….

1. I know that it’s in the state of Florida, which uses orange juice as an energy source instead of oil and electricity. The oranges’ are so zesty down here that they have the same chemical property as petroleum. All homes are fitted with oranges instead of mains electricity. There’s enough kinetic energy created when rubbing two Florida Oranges together to light up a house for a month. Fact.
2. The city is run by a consortium made up of three local businessmen: Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and a man known simply as Pluto. These characters are known to operate with very shady objectives to control a monopoly on the cities’ income. All three were implicated in the assassination of a Mr. John ‘Bugs’ Bunny some years ago but were let free in mysterious circumstances following new evidence submitted by one of Mickey’s call girls called Minnie.
3. If you enter the city lines of Orlando you are not allowed to leave until you spend at least $5,000 in one of it’s ‘themed’ parks. These themes usually involve magic, adventure or animals. These parks may actually be thinly veiled fundraising/recruitment camps for the US military… having that much fun without having to take your clothes off must have a catch somewhere.
4. It is illegal for a gig in Orlando to take place at any time apart from a time when playing a gig seems wrong. Apparently all gigs must finish by 6pm so the residents can make it to Disney World by 8pm to pay their protection money to Mickey Mouse and his cronies.

So it was at the very strange time of 12.30pm we arrived outside the venue in Orlando, after driving long into the night following the Atlanta show and leaving early that morning from a place called Valdosta to get there. Valdosta is a fun word to say. It wasn’t all bad though, i’d already managed to buy two rubbish/brilliant t-shirts from the time i’d gotten up until the time we got into the city. One from a shop at the hotel, which looks like it may have at one time been a white t-shirt that got infected by a rogue purple sock in the washing machine. And another when we stopped for fuel at a Florida Orange Market that says ‘FLORIDA’ in pink glitter and is a kind of faded grey colour with a hole in the armpit. Absolute steals at only 5 dollars apiece. I’ve already had two comments on the weird purple number - “Ooooh, that’s a disgusting colour” and “Why were you sick on your t-shirt? That’s weird.” It’s paid for itself already. I haven’t worn the Florida glitter t-shirt yet, i’m quite scared to because it has glitter on it and I don’t want to get mistaken for Elton John anywhere in the South. I think i’ll wait til we get to California where glitter is more acceptable and not punishable by shotgun shell to the face.

Ironically, we were playing at a venue called The Social - there is nothing sociable about playing a gig at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. This is the same venue we played last time we were in Orlando. That was a really early show too. Orlando needs to chill out and let things take place after dark. Night time isn’t as scary as you might think. Just stay away from parks and alleyways and it’s fine. As it was weird enough gearing up to play in a dark room just after lunchtime, we decided to go a walk to see what Orlando had to offer a group of mavericks like ourselves on a Saturday afternoon. It turns out there was lots to see. My three favourite things were as follows, in no specific order: 

1. A group of fireman playing a game of ‘throw a beanbag into a hole from far away’ and taking it very seriously. I think it was part of one of those firemen & family barbecue things, but it looked like shit was about to go down. The two things fireman hate the most are fire and bad accuracy when throwing a bean bag.
2. We saw lots of classic cars that were on display on the street for some reason. Their owners sat beside them proudly and made sure people didn’t touch them. I will never understand why people choose to spend all their money on making their car too nice to drive. “I’ve spent $200,000 on this baby - please do not breathe near it or attempt to use it for it’s basic function”.
3. We saw a homeless man on a bicycle peeing onto a train line. Very dangerous but very impressive.

When we got back to the venue it was time to play so we gathered all our mental strength to try and pretend that it wasn’t 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I think in my head I managed to move the time upto about 4.15pm which was slightly more manageable. In spite of this early performance, we had a good time. The crowd were fun and didn’t seem fazed by the fact we were playing during what I would consider ‘nap time’. I guess they’re used to this sort of thing though, as night time is banned in Orlando. The whole show was finished by half 5 which also signaled our first day off since the start of the tour, which was a whole 13 days ago. We had a bit of a mammoth drive to get to the next show in Texas though, so we decided to drive some of the way that night and tackle the rest on our day off. We did get to go to Chili’s on our way out though - the world’s worst/best restaurant. The highlight of the meal for me was when a young boy at the table beside us pulled a plant pot off a ledge above him and it fell on his head.

It was brilliant. Fell straight on his head. Soil went everywhere.